It was over when he got out the wig

Hiya readers!  I'm back from my Christmas vacation at the cottage.  There's not much going on in my dating life at the moment, so I'm bringing you a really bad date story from the archives.  (Not an actual archive, since this blog is only a few months old -- I mean the archives of my life.) 

This one goes back to 2006.  I was new to Toronto, fresh-faced and ready to begin a Masters degree.  Let me tell you a story of a small-town girl and her first date in the Big City.  It's also, coincidentally, about the time I dated a drag queen.  (Trust me, you're going to want to keep reading.)

'Single girl' undies

Since it's Christmas, I thought I would write a post related to the holidays.  And since I ALWAYS get underwear for Christmas, that's what I'm going to write about. 

The other day I was asked if I've invested in some "single girl underwear" now that I'm dating again.  This was confusing at first because I've been single for quite some time, and since no one sees my gitch but me, it tends to be more on the 'comfortable and lived-in' end of the scale.  What my friend was asking though, was whether I had some sexy, lacy, uncomfortable, 'just in case' lingerie for if one of these dates goes really well.

Second date was great!

Hiya readers!  I can't believe it's nearly Christmas.  Things are finally winding down at work and I was able to squeeze in a second date with Josh.  We went to Futures Bakery because someone told me the Oreo cheesecake was to die for. 

Josh is compulsively early.  If possible, he likes to be 30 minutes early for absolutely everything.  He's completely upfront about this quirk, and he apologizes for it, but I don't see a problem -- it's not like I'm the one sitting around for half an hour.

Is it a date if it's less than 5 minutes?

Well I met Sam the lawyer.  He was really busy today, apparently, so he suggested he swing by my place on his way to a dinner party.  When he said it would be a quick hello, he wasn't kidding.  He pulled up to my building, I got in his car, we exchanged a few words, I met his dog in the backseat, and then I got out.  The whole thing lasted about as long as a commercial break.

So my first impression of Sam is that he seems nice, looks a bit younger than his age (37), and is obviously really busy.  Also, he thought I had traces of an English accent -- WTF?  Anyway, I have no idea what's next in terms of meeting him again.

I will see Josh again though!  We're going for dessert Wednesday night around 9.  I'm ordering the Oreo cheesecake and I'll probably eat THE WHOLE PIECE.  Stay tuned!

Finally, a good date!

Tonight I met Josh for coffee.  Josh is interesting because he was a highschool teacher who then decided to try a music career as a guitar player in some kind of Australian Christian rock band.  Now he's in Toronto taking a break from the rockstar lifestyle and figuring out his next move. 

Going into my date tonight I was a bit worried Josh was going to sound like the Crocodile Hunter and I was going to either laugh at his funny accent, or have a hard time understanding it.  Thankfully he didn't have that strong an accent -- it was very pleasant actually!

Feeling the love

Hiya readers!  I don't have much to report today.  Last night I was at an engagement party for my favourite couple in the world.  There was so much love in that room!  The last time I was in a crowd with that much emotion was when my entire family watched The Christmas Shoes.  (If you've seen it, you totally get it.)

Anyway, I'm headed out of town after work for a night of tv and movies with my fellow single gals Muffy and Deb.  I love sweatpants on a Friday night!

Saturday night I'm meeting Josh the Aussie musician for coffee, and Sunday afternoon I'm meeting Sam the criminal lawyer.  I'll be sure to catch you up on those dates!

My date with Tim

You know what I realized?  I've gone out with a lot of Tims.  There was one in university, one when I first moved to Toronto, the epic jerk from the summer, and now last night's Tim.  I just thought that was interesting because I don't think 'Tim' is a really common name.  (I can't be bothered to research this, so feel free to correct me.)

Unlike the previous Tim, this one wasn't a jerk at all.  That's what won me over actually -- even though I wasn't attracted to him in his profile pictures, he seemed like a really sweet guy.  I'm trying not to be the kind of superficial b*tch that passes up a chance at love because of someone's looks.  I know there has to be some attraction if a relationship is going to work.  Physical attraction isn't something you can force -- it's either there or it's not.  But I also know from experience that sometimes the more you get to know someone, the more attractive they become in your eyes.  That's the thought that led me to Snakes and Lattes last night to meet Tim, the man with the really unfortunate (and slightly lesbionic) haircut.

Sam the super-direct texter

Normally when I send text messages, I include too much.  I'm maybe a bit wordy, and I never use short-forms like 2 or U.  I'm old-school -- I write out the actual word, thank you very much.  This is the exact opposite of Sam the criminal lawer.  He responds at the speed of light with the most direct and succinct answer possible.  I've tried to adapt to his communication style a bit, but the speed and efficiency gives me whiplash.

Below is an actual text message exchange that happened yesterday.

Meet Jonah... He likes photography, theatre, and live ammunition

The other day I talked about how online dating can bring two people together that would likely never meet by chance in real life -- Bill the gator hunter is a great example of this.  Over the weekend, another great example came through my inbox.

Jonah is 33 and living in Toronto.  Some of his interests include the performing arts, outdoor activities and sports, and most recently, photography.  He has that 'boy next door' look that I've always liked, and he even does volunteer work -- so clearly he's a better person than me.  The only thing that doesn't fit is that he lists his occupation as "well, right now I get shot at a lot."

Lavalife - for people who don't know any better

First off, my apologies for a really light blog this past week.  It's been busier at work than normal, and also Charlie, my parents' dog, was quite sick and I had to dogsit out of town.  (Charlie has since made a full recovery, and is back to biting my dad when he tries to move her from 'his' spot on the couch.)  This week is still going to be busy at work, but not as bad -- don't people know they're supposed to slow down as Christmas approaches?  Geez.

Before I review Lavalife, here's a quick update.  I had to reschedule my date with Tim (with the lesbian haircut) to tomorrow evening, so stay tuned for that.  Also, it's looking like I'll be meeting Josh the musician this week, if our schedules can accomodate.  Another fun fact about Josh -- he's Australian!  I'm definitely a sucker for a cute accent.  Also still texting with Sam the criminal lawyer. 

Dogsitting (from the next room)

Well it's been quite a week.  On Monday I found out that my parents' dog was sick and might not pull through.  This was really distressing for me because although I don't like all dogs, I really like THIS dog.  She's a 12 year old rescue dog that my parents adopted 2 years ago, and she isn't above biting you if you do something she doesn't like.  But she likes me and doesn't bite me, so we've definitely bonded.

On Wednesday night I headed to my parents' place, in case Charlie the dog didn't make it through the week.  I wasn't sure what to expect when I arrived, but whatever steroids they gave the dog have totally worked and now she is back to normal!  Except for one thing...

The Gator Hunter

Every once in a while I get a message or 'wink' from someone that I think I would never go out with in a million years.  Distance is the obvious reason why not, but I'm also talking about guys whose personalities are the exact opposite of who I would get along with.  And not just relationship-wise -- I'm talking about people who are so different from me and have such different priorities in life that I don't even think I'd want to be their friend. 

And then sometimes you run across someone who is so different that you want to be their friend just for the sheer novelty of it...

Who's who? A cheat sheet...

Hello lovely readers!  I know I've been throwing a lot of names at you, so here's a quick recap of people I'm exchanging messages with.  With any luck, messages will turn into actual dates!

Tim -- planning to meet him tomorrow.  He's the one with the really unfortunate haircut.  (This haircut looks amazing on my friend Michelle, but less so on a man.)  The plan is to meet for coffee.

Jeremy -- Remember him?  I mentioned him last week.  He's the older gentleman (38) who sent me funny emails about cereal.  As far as I know he's dropped off the earth.  Next!

Sam -- Here's a new name for you.  He's 33, and a criminal lawyer.  I get the impression he's some sort of big deal.  (Everything I know about lawyers I learned from movies...should I be worried about this guy?)  Also he has the ability to say exactly what me means with each sentence, which is sort of amazing.  I'm a bit like that too, I think. 

Josh -- Just started emailing him.  He's 28 and a musician.  He's given up on making it big and is now looking for an actual career.  No idea in what though.

Ok that's all for now!

Answers to 'Name that Hipster'

Did you guess yet?  Click here to go back to Friday's post and write down your guesses.  This contest was a tribute to Hipster Kyle, without whom I wouldn't have had that amazing, trainwreck of a date.

If you're reading this and you're not sure what a hipster is -- Hi mom and dad! -- Click here for the Urban Dictionary definition.

And now the answers!

My date with Joseph had no pulse

I just got back from meeting Joseph, a 34 year old bank employee.  He explained what he does but I've got to be honest, I had a really hard time focusing on what he was saying -- he had a Michael Jackson voice.

What I couldn't tell was if Joseph was speaking that way out of timidity or shyness, or if that's actually his normal speaking voice.  The poor man was painfully shy.  He even walked shy.  (He's 6'4" but he was so hunched over that I would never have guessed.)  I've dated shy men before, but not to the extent that they couldn't make any eye contact.  I think there's a difference between shy with confidence, and shy without, and Joseph was clearly the latter. 

Friday contest: Name that hipster!

Last Friday's matching game was a bit tricky I think.  This week I've saved some pictures and quotes from some really amazing hipster guys -- in honour of my train-wreck of a date with hipster Kyle.  Click here for a refresher of how that went down.

Meet this week's bachelors:

     1.  BackflipsMcGee:  "I can dance provocatively if the right music is playing."
     2.  Harry_Lime:  "I dislike coffee. And tea."
     3.  Gashlycrumbling:  "I believe in hand-written letters."
     4.  like_bike83:  "I could never do without my records and my pot."
     5.  Colivar:  "I am a nerd of all trades, master of none."
     6.  JimminyCricket:  "I'm a spoon-bending interactive design student."

Food for thought

Last night I went out to dinner with my friend Derek.  Not only is the guy good company, but he can always be counted on to order dessert.  (It's my favourite course.)  It occurred to me last night, while I was stuffing my face, that if I had been on a date with him, I would have ordered a completely different meal.

For one thing, when I'm on a date I try to order 'girly' food -- something with vegetables.  I'm not a salad fan so for me this usually means a stir fry or pasta.  This is to give my date the illusion that I make an effort to be healthy, even though I would probably prefer to be eating steak and mashed potatoes.  (A stir fry is something I'm likely to make at home, but never a steak.  If a real chef is cooking, of course I'd want the steak!)

Online shopping for a date

Most of you reading this probably know that I love online shopping.  It's the ultimate shopping experience for people who hate schlepping through overheated malls, and for those who enjoy getting stuff in the mail.  I get really excited when something is addressed to me and it's not a bill -- or Mount Sinai Hospital trying to make me feel charitable because they removed my appendix back in '08 and a "thank you" wasn't enough.

Anyway, searching for a date on a website is a lot like browsing an online store.  If you don't know exactly what you're looking for, you can just browse until you find something that catches your eye.  If you do know what you're looking for, you can do a really detailed database search with multiple filters and a taxonomy, then narrow the scope and then -- voila!  Add to cart.

Answer's to Friday's matching game

Well, it looks like Friday's contest was a really tricky one!  Nearly everyone guessed that the dirty-looking tattooed guy was the former chef though.  Nicely done!

Here are the answers:

     1. Who's the Jane Austen fan?  E
     2. Whose tagline reads "Get captured..."?  B
     3. Which one likes to "conversate on intelectual topiks"?  A
     4. Who used to be a chef?  C
     5. Which one is looking for "a woman who isn't down to earth"?  D

I think 'D' might be my favourite of the bunch. He's a 25 year old exotic dancer from Calgary, seeking someone as high maintenance as he is. Also, I think he might be wearing his Policeman costume in that photo -- there's a flashlight stuck to his pants.

Stay tuned for this week's Friday matching game!

My date with Kyle

On Friday night I met Kyle (from Match.com) for a drink at a nearby pub.  It wasn't the greatest date, but it probably would have made an amazing sitcom episode.

My plan was to walk to the pub and get there a bit early so I'd have time to cool down before he arrived.  (Yes, walking in the cold still makes me overheat.)  So imagine my horror when I got a text from Kyle just as I was leaving my apartment.  He was already there!  I didn't want him to have to wait long so I speed-walked the whole way.  In high-heeled boots.  Any attempt at arriving without looking like I'd just come from the gym went out the window.

I need a stylist

Before I get into my date with Kyle, I want to write a short post about the difficulties of knowing what to wear on a date.  Last night I had a bit of a meltdown when I realized that dating requires its own wardrobe!  I pulled out a million things from my closet and everything was either something I would wear to the office, or something too formal, or something I bought and then forgot about because I have no business wearing it.  In the end I chose a navy wrap dress that I wear to work all the time.

Help me readers!  What do you wear on a first date to the pub?

PS -- Remember that dress I ordered from Macy's?  It arrived yesterday and it's going right back!  It made me look like a really sparkly linebacker.  (I've now learned a very important lesson about cap sleeves.)

It's a contest! TGIF!

Apparently some people don't know about shirtless bathroom photos -- clearly people who have never been on a dating site.  The shirtless bathroom photo is usually obvious because you can see either a shower curtain, toilet, or towel bar in the background.   This genre of photo is found on all sites, but especially on Plenty of Fish. 

I've scoured the site this week to bring you these 5 douchebags winners.  I felt like a total creep but it was in the name of research.  (You're welcome.)  I've cropped the heads out to protect their identities, but I get the feeling they wouldn't care even if they read this.

The Rock Star Effect

Remember the other day when I thought last night's party was going to be a swanky music industry thing?  Yeah, well it wasn't.  It was a seriously lame office party for some solar energy company, hosted by a London radio station that no one has ever heard of.  So no, I didn't see any celebrities.  And may I just say, when radio personalities say they have a "face for radio", they're not kidding.  It's a real thing.

The party was at the Intercontinental Hotel.  It didn't take me long to figure out I was a bit overdressed.  When I got to the coat check I promptly gave myself a hasty make-under:  I shook out my hair, shoved my blingy costume jewellery in my purse, and put my glasses on.  I'm SO glad the sequined dress I ordered from Macy's to wear to this event hadn't arrived yet -- I totally would have looked like an escort.

Scott: All backswing, no follow-through

Lunch break!  Time for another post!  This one is going to be about Scott.  The long and the short of it is, I can't figure out what he wants with me.  He comes out of nowhere (like a bike messenger on Queen Street) and then we always talk on the phone for at least an hour.  He's flirty, he's funny, he alludes to things we should do sometime in the near future, and then he goes AWOL.  It could be days, maybe weeks, until I hear from him again.

If I wasn't so smitten with him, I would have written him off a long time ago.  He's just so charming!  Other pluses in the Scott column include:  he's corporate by day, but musician by night (like me!), he comes from a WASPy background of skiing and golf holidays (like me!), and from what I've seen of his pictures, the man is gorgeous.  This is why I give him way more chances than I should.

A Farewell to Ah-nold

In this case, it was just a vibe I was getting.  The more I talked to him on msn, the stronger it got.  My gut instinct was basically just that we weren't compatible.  We come from different worlds, for one thing. 

There's also the matter of how he kept bringing up his ex.  That in itself is a red flag I think, but when he kept saying how awful she was and how she ruined his life, I got a bit overwhelmed with what was obviously some major baggage.

Last minute rescheduling & Dress Stress

Good morning!  I know a few of you will be disappointed to hear that my coffee date with Arnold didn't go as planned.  I had to reschedule because my grocery delivery was running really late, and I was stuck at home until they arrived.  (Just for the record, getting your groceries delivered is FANTASTIC.  I highly recommend it.  They're not usually late.)

I called Arnold (still making a conscious effort not to pronounce it Ah-nold) and he was really gracious about rescheduling.  I felt like a major doofus.  Also, Arnold's crazy-strong Hungarian accent went a long way in explaining his name -- it's definitely not a name common to my generation of Canadians.  I thought perhaps it was a family name that he was unlucky enough to be saddled with, like how my poor cousins got stuck with Strachan and Seton.  (I wish I was kidding.)

Dear Match.com - enough with the alerts already!

I have a new iPhone, so like most people new to apps, I downloaded a whole bunch right away.  (Yes, I'm the last person in the world to get into Angry Birds.)  One of these apps was the Match.com one.

I really wish I hadn't.

Every dating site contains a group of people who I'm convinced don't sleep.  These men (although there are probably women like this too) just troll the site all night and send 'winks' willy-nilly to anyone who catches their eye.  Ever since downloading the Match.com app I've been woken up by my phone about 3 times a night...

BBPeople - A jerk drove me to it

A while ago I got a really nasty email on Plenty of Fish.  It kind of went something like this:

       From: jerkface53
       Subject: hey
       Message: you should lose 40 pounds. you'd get more dates

Some people could probably just delete this message without a second thought.  I mean, it's not like this guy was some Adonis - there's no way his inbox is overflowing.  But I couldn't forget it.  Instead of just passing over my profile like a normal person, this guy took the time to send me that message, probably thinking he was doing me a huge favour.  Like he was telling me something I didn't already know.

How you doin?

On any given day, I kid you not, I receive a message from someone that contains those exact words.  Here it is everyone, the message that is least likely to get a response.  Here's one I just got five minutes ago.

        From: Motorhead88

        Subject: Hey

        Message: How you doin?

Yep, it's Joey's quote from Friends.  Sometimes there's variations, like "u" instead of "you", or maybe just no punctuation, but it comes up SO OFTEN.

eHarmony? It can't be real science.

Some people have asked me why I didn't sign up for eHarmony, since I've basically signed up everywhere else.  I have done eHarmony before though, on one of those free trial weekends. After the painful process of answering all their personality questions, I was hoping they would deliver some really accurate matches.  That's far from what happened. 

My Match.com experiences

Hello reader(s)!  (I think I might be up to 3 now!  Awesome!)

Match.com is the most recent site I've joined.  It's only been about 3 days actually.  I guess I should review one of the others first, but I felt totally inspired to write about how much I like this one.  The downside is that it's not free, but the upside is that there are some seriously good looking men on here!

Or is that what they want me to think?  It did seem a bit suspicious that my first 11 matches (that they send daily) were men that could be catalogue models.  Maybe they have a feature that pushes the most popular/handsome men at you first, to get you to register.  If that's the case, I totally got suckered in.  Sigh.

OkCupid - So far, so good!

The dating site OkCupid was reccommended to me by an American friend of mine.  I'd never heard of it so maybe it's more popular there.  This is another free site, so I immediately expected to see the sort of juiced up, shirtless in the bathroom mirror photos that Plenty of Fish is so famous for -- but there weren't any!  Just normal-looking, fully clothed men!

I've been on this site about a month and from what I can tell it attracts a totally classier crowd than POF.  Not to mention, the interface is a thousand times nicer to use... sorry, I'm an IT nerd and had to throw that in.  It might also be fair to say that OkCupid attracts a somewhat off-beat crowd.  By that I mean, well, I've run across lots of musicians, artists and graphic designers, computer guys, guys in the film and TV industry, and aspiring writers.  There are also men in more traditional finance or trades jobs, but I think you'll notice a big Arts demographic -- moreso than on POF.

This guy takes the cake

You might be wondering why the sudden push to start online dating.  The simple answer is that I just wasn't meeting guys in my day to day life.  Sure I've had friends try to set me up, but the results of that have always ended up in disaster.  This is one such disaster from this past summer.

I don't remember the exact day this date took place, but it was right in the middle of the worst heat wave Toronto has ever seen.  I had a date with Tim the statistician, a set up from a particularly keen matchmaker.  My main objectives during this dinner date were to be charming, flirty, and to avoid sweating into my dinner.  (I'm definitely one of those girls that sweats.  I don't 'glow' like some lucky bitches.)

Plenty of Fish seems very 'catch and release'

Ok, let's review Plenty of Fish.  Right up front, I knew signing up to this free dating site would be an adventure.  It has a reputation for being the seediest site, likely because it's free.  It seems like the site people sign up with just to hook up.  There are the typical shirtless bathroom photos in abundance!  (People still do that?  Ew.)

Anyway, my first night creating a profile I got a bunch of messages right away, but they were a bit odd.  One was a foot fetishist, and some were old, and none of them posted pictures.  When people don't post pictures I totally assume they're unattractive.  Is that wrong?

Well, here goes nothing...

I've been single for three years, and in that time I've been on probably four dates.  Four terrible, terrible dates.  But the stories to come out of them were great!  So in an attempt to get more dates (and maybe meet Prince Charming?) I've signed up to online dating.

Ok, actually I've signed on to 6 dating sites.  If you're going to put yourself out there, why not go all the way, right?  On this blog you'll get to keep track of the progress I'm making on each.