High times at Second Cup

Do you guys remember that post I wrote a few weeks ago -- the weird email conversation between me and some guy?  Click here for a refresher.  Well, I met him for coffee on Thursday night.  I can't say I was really excited to meet him, but lately I've been in a dating slump.  It's not like I have a lot of options lately, so when he asked me out, I thought, why not?

If you know me, you know that I hate to sweat, and I go out of my way not to arrive sweaty to a date.  (Usually this means I try to get there early, cool off from the walk, then powder my nose.)  So you know I really must not be interested in someone if I agree to meet him immediately after my Cardio Bootcamp class.  (Yes, I do that now!  And so far I've only come close to puking twice.)

I broke the fall with my face

Hello readers.  I know, it's been a few days since my last post.  And some of you are yelling at me.  Hopefully this makes up for it!

It was raining in Toronto yesterday morning.  Also, it being a Monday, I was walking more quickly than usual because I have a tendency to be late on Mondays -- or more late, rather.  (I never actually make it there by 9am.  It's become a joke in the office not to schedule me before 9:30.)  So the rain combined with my crazy pace made for a deadly combination in the lobby of the CIBC building.

 

This guy makes what I did look graceful. 

Here's what I think happened.  My right foot slipped in some water, causing me to turn over on my ankle.  Then because of forward momentum, I landed on my knees and the two huge bags I was carrying went flying forward.  (I think it was at this point my gym socks and sports bra became airborne.)  Then, without a free hand to stop myself continuing forward, I skidded to a halt on my cheek.

My date with Billy Bob Thornton

Last night's date was a complete surprise to me -- as in I totally forgot I was supposed to meet someone.  I got home from work and did what I always do... I threw off my clothes and jumped into PJs for an after-work power nap.  I had just hopped in bed and set my alarm when I got a text message saying, "I'm here."

Panic!!  Who?  What?  Where?

It took a bit of searching through emails to determine that my date with Brian was NOT in fact next week.  Oops!  I texted back that I was running a few minutes late, jumped back into my clothes, and hustled out the door.

Creepiest profile ever?

Dear readers, sometimes I come across a profile that leaves me speechless.  This one gives me the absolute creeps.  I mean... ACK!  He even uses a grainy '70s picture of Richard Gere instead of using his own.  Take a lesson people -- if you come across this guy, do NOT message him.

(I'm 97% certain that Richard Gere is not using POF.  I've searched.) 

I was hit on at Walmart

For those of you in Toronto, you might be familiar with Dufferin Mall.   If you're anything like me -- a snooty white kid from the suburbs -- Dufferin Mall is a place to be avoided at all costs, and especially the Walmart.  It's constantly crowded, picked over, and full of people not using their indoor voices.  (Basically, it gives me hives.)

You're probably wondering why I was even there.  Well, I was in the neighborhood last night, and as much as it kills me, Walmart's prices on groceries can't be beat.  Especially cereal and soy milk, which makes up a huge part of my diet.

So there I was, braving the WalMart, minding my own business in the produce section, when I was... approached.

The Wild Wild Web

Every once in a while you come across someone truly... special.  I got an email today from a guy that must have emailed me sometime in the past, but I didn't respond.  I admit that the polite thing to do would be to email a response to everyone who writes me, even if I'm not interested.  This rarely happens.  I'll send a "thanks, but no thanks" sort of email to guys who put in a major effort, but often I don't bother.  I wish I could say that I'm so popular that I couldn't possibly respond to everyone, but that's not even close to true.  (If you have this problem, we can't be friends.  It's not you, it's me.)

Anyway, here's a bit of context before I tell you what he wrote.  One of the questions that OkCupid asks you to answer in their profile form is "I'm really good at _____".  My answer to this question is "Building Ikea furniture."  (Well it's true!  I'm like an idiot savant with an Allen key.)

Anyway, here's his email:

Keeping an open mind about Will the Englishman

Hello from the cottage!  We're well into our cocktails here at the ol' family homestead, and conversation is turning to the hockey game.  That's my cue to write a quick post!

As mentioned last week I've been emailing almost daily with a guy who found me on Zoosk.  His name is Will -- he's 37, works in Insurance in some form, and he comes with a bit of baggage.

Will seems really chaming and has a great sense of humour.  He's tall, has a cute, crooked smile, nerdy glasses, and he likes to ski and golf (just like me!) ...but his past kind of intimidates me. 

He had me at "anal probe"

Did that title catch your attention?  Yeah I thought it might!  This post is a transcript of the weirdest email exchange I've ever had.  I don't know this guy's actual name, so I'll call him... Doyle.  (Is that a real name or did I make that up?  I'm just going to go with it.)

Anyway, Doyle's online profile was a really entertaining read.  I think he wrote it as a joke, and not to actually attract dates.  I almost laughed out loud at some joke he made about alien probes.

You want to put that where?!?

I'm only telling you this so you'll understand why I bring up anal probing in one of my responses below -- I wouldn't want you to think I just pulled that topic out of nowhere like some kind of freak.  Well, I appreciate an entertaining profile as much as the next gal, so I sent Doyle a note to say I enjoyed it.  Here's the craziness that followed (and be warned, it's stupid and gets a bit raunchy):

What the hell is a Zoosk?

As you know, when I don't have any exciting dates or email exchanges to write about, sometimes I review dating sites.  Sure, it's filler, but I like to think I'm doing you a favour by steering you clear of the bad ones.  So tonight I'm reviewing Zoosk.

I signed up to this site a few weeks ago, after I saw one of their commercials.  You probably know the one... she thinks she wants a night of "serious romance" but then she hits her head, his back goes out, and she decides a movie date would be better.  (Click here to watch it.)  Zoosk is an American site based out of San Francisco, and supposedly it was supposed to be the next big thing.

Uh oh, he thinks we clicked

My date from last night Ken sent me a very enthusiastic text message this afternoon.  He had a "blast" and wants to get together next week when he's back from Las Vegas. 

I'm not sure I've ever been in this situation before.  I didn't think the date was great -- there were a few personality things about him that suggested to me we wouldn't get along very well.  Every other time I've had a date that was so-so, we both seemed to agree on it.  Now I'm faced with letting Ken down gently. 

I guess I could always use the line Josh did and say that I don't think we have much in common.  To me, that always sounds like a brush-off, even though in this case it's true.  The main reason I'm not interested is because I think he's a bit obnoxious, but that's probably not a good thing to text someone.

What would you text back if you were me?

Should one disclose a physical impairment?

I had a very interesting date this evening.  On his online profile, Ken looked every bit the frat boy.  He had the tan, the smile, and the puffy hairdo that you find on Jersey Shore.  He was even a self-described asshole. 

So it's probably no surprise I wasn't looking forward to meeting him.  The only reason I went out with Ken was because I didn't want to dwell on being disappointed in Josh, and a distraction seemed a better option.  I wanted to throw myself back into the ring, so to speak.

Very politely dumped

It would appear Josh changed his mind.  I woke up this morning to a very nice but ultimately disappointing email.  It would seem he thinks I'm great, but that we don't have anything in common.  Here is his message:

"I’ve put a little thought into things over the last day and I think it’s probably best if we break our date for Saturday night. I think you’re a great girl in that you’re cute, intelligent and infectiously cheerful, but I really just worry that we don’t share a whole lot in the way of common interests. Given my past experiences, it’s something I’m really looking for going forward. I’d hate for the only thing we have in common to be liking each other. I want to thank you for giving me a chance in the first place, and I’m sincerely sorry that I’ll be disappointing you with all this. Again, I think you’re an amazing girl and I know it won’t be long before you find exactly what you’re looking for. Best of luck."

I've got a date! What to watch? What to wear?

I'd like to start with a nod to the blog gods.  They must have read my post yesterday and put something in motion, because Josh texted last night and asked me to a movie Saturday night!  Now I have a few decisions to make.

What to watch.  I'd really like to see War Horse but after watching the preview, there's a really good chance this movie is going to make me bawl my eyes out.  I'm not sure the ugly cry is appropriate for a 3rd date.  I'd also like to see the movie Shame because it's up for awards, but I think it's about sex addiction, which could also be awkward on a 3rd date.  That leaves Mission Impossible or Sherlock Holmes I think.  Anyone want to weigh in on what we should see?

Come on Josh, ask me out already!

Remember how I said I wanted to be less aggressive in my dating pursuits?  Since I was the one to ask Josh out for the first coffee date, and the one to suggest the second date at the cafe, I would really like it if he asked me out for the third date.  I'm afraid that if it doesn't happen soon we'll have lost all momentum.

Even though I was out of town for the holidays, we did exchange a few texts.  I took this as a good sign.  And yesterday he texted just to say hello, which I also take as a good sign.  Surely if he wasn't interested, he wouldn't bother asking me how I felt being back at work.  (The answer to that is, of course, zzzzzzz.... I need a nap.)

New year, new gallstones

If you know me in real life, there's a good chance you've heard me complain about my gallbladder.  It's been causing me problems for over two years now, but there's never been any real proof.  I've had all the symptoms of gallstones, but blood tests and ultrasounds have come back clean.  I'm pretty sure my doctor thinks I've been making up my attacks.

If you can't beat 'em, berate 'em in caps lock

I got an email from a guy this morning, Jay on OkCupid.  His email was pretty normal, aside from it being poorly written.  (He seems impressed that I like going to the cottage, but when I say 'cottage' I'm actually referring to a fully equipped house that happens to be near the lake.  Not exactly roughing it.)  Nope, the strange thing is this guy's profile.

You've heard me say a million times that online dating is superficial.  It's common knowledge.  It's the reason everyone uploads a really flattering photo of themselves.  You don't want to be seen as you normally look, you want to be seen from your most flattering angle -- for me, that would be slightly above and to my left...in dim lighting. 

New Year's dating resolutions

Dear readers, I'm already off to a great 2012!  Muffie helped me edit and organize my closet.  By some miracle, all of my clothes are either hung or folded and put in a drawer.  I can't believe it all fits!  Now that I can actually see the floor in my room, I'm determined to keep it up.  No more throwing stuff in a heap -- that's going to be one of my New Year's resolutions.

Last night was the perfect New Year's Eve -- not leastwise because I spent it in sweatpants.  My girlfriends Muffy and Stacey came over for a low-key evening of wine and candy and magazines.  They helped me come up with a list of New Year's dating resolutions that I think are worth sharing.