Matchmaking

I'm not one of those people who spends energy on trying to get people together.  You know the stereotype of the woman that delights in setting up singles they know, and then taking all the credit for it's success?  (I'm pretty sure I can think of at least 3 movies wherein that's the entire plot premise.)  But anyway, that's not me.  The only time I set friends up ended in a trainwreck.

The year was 2006 and I was about four chocolate martinis into our faculty pub night.  (It takes at least four drinks to make library students fun, just a heads up.)  For some reason Muffy wasn't there -- rare for a pub night, since I was the elected Social Coordinator and I used to force her out to all my events.  Anyway, I was leading the martini charge when one of the guys from school asked if I knew any single girls.  I yelled, "Muffy!"  Looking back, I don't understand how this guy needed my help at all... Library school is about 85% women, and of those, 40% are straight.  (Don't quote me on that.  My love for gays and lesbians might be skewing my memory somewhat.)  Hang on, I've forgotten the point of this story...

My date with Ricky Martin

I finally -- FINALLY -- went on a date.  It seems like it's been forever!  Since August I've been concentrating more on learning to eat healthy and less on meeting someone online.  So far so good though!  I've lost about 10 pounds.  (It's a good start, but it feels like a drop in the bucket sometimes.)

Anyway, a few years ago I signed up for a local matchmaking service.  I enrolled for a year but I was really not impressed with them, and decided not to renew in the end.  Despite not being a member anymore, every once in a while I get a call about a new match.  That's how I ended up exchanging numbers with Ghani.

I really didn't know much about Ghani apart from what the matchmaker said of him.  This is because when we tried to talk on the phone, there was a major communication gap.  (His Venezuelan accent was too thick, and his cell reception less than ideal.)  We had better luck with text messages though, and arranged to meet for a drink on Saturday.

50 more shades of... this guy

He's back!  This guy just keeps writing -- completely unsolicited.  Prepare to be grossed out and uncomfortable.

How many more volumes do you think this guy will write??

I feel dirty...

Sometimes you get an email that leaves you speechless -- and not in a good way.  You're going to need a shower after this one...

Happy Wednesday readers!  (Please pass the hand sanitizer.)

Cyberbullying

This story starts in July.  When I was on vacation in Florida, I chatted a bit with a guy named John who seemed like any other guy.  He was your typical accountant-type, with slightly above average looks and a decent taste in movies.  Nothing was really alarming about him, until after a while he started trying to turn the conversation to my sexual history.  He wanted to know all about when and how and would persist even though I'd dodge his attempts at answering.  Eventually I just had to tell him that it's none of his business, and I'm not comfortable discussing it.

Then something in him became completely unhinged, because the response I got was an all-caps rant about how I was a f*ing c*nt and a tease and on and on and on for a page and a half.  I was in such shock I didn't know how what to do.  I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd shocked or upset me, so I wrote back, "You sound lovely.  Coffee next week?"  I guess he didn't like my sarcasm, because then he blocked me.  I thought that was the end of him.

Blendr - Just too many penises

Hola readers!  Sorry I haven't written in a while -- I've been busy with moving.  I now have a larger apartment for less rent.  Yay for me!  But the packing, unpacking, and redecorating was grueling.  Though I did have a team of amazing helpers!  (Thanks guys!)

Meanwhile on the romance front, my dating life has become nonexistent.  It's gotten so bad that I think my online profiles are growing cobwebs.  So in an attempt to liven things up, my GBF (gay best friend) recommended I try out an iPhone app called Blendr.  He's a fan of Grindr, the gay version of the same app.  Apparently it's whole purpose is to help you meet people in your general geographic area.

I'm not sure what the app developers intended with the app, but I'm told that the men on Grindr primarily use it to locate guys in their immediate vicinity for the purposes of hooking up.  It's totally just about finding people for sex with no strings attached.  Since this isn't what I'm after, I was pretty hesitant about downloading the hetero version.  (Sex with strangers?  No thanks.  I'd be too nervous and self-conscious and awkward to even enjoy it.)  But GBF said you can also just use it as a dating app, to meet local singles.  Sold!  I downloaded it.

It really didn't seem at all scandalous.  I filled in a very basic profile, and noticed there was a drop-down menu for what you're looking for -- I selected 'Dating'.  Next thing you know, I'm looking at tiny pictures of everyone nearby who also has the app.  Electronic people-watching!  It was fun for a while, and I chatted a bit with a neighbour about our favourite gelato flavours.  Nothing sexual (or even all that interesting) about it. Then I went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and noticed 7 alerts on my phone from Blendr.  Seven guys want to chat!  I got all excited, thinking I was pretty popular.  I clicked the first message and there was a small picture of something I couldn't quite make out... maybe sand dunes or some sort of desert scene?  I enlarged it.  PENIS.  Not even a hello first.  Then I went to my next message.  This time I got a hello, and another picture.  It was something blurry and back-lit, so I had to make it bigger to see.  Again -- PENIS.  At this point I started to think Blendr isn't really a dating app at all.  The rest of the messages?  Two were just to say hi, but the others?  PENIS.  PENIS.  PENIS.

In case you lost count, that's 5 penises I had to wake up to.  All before I'd even had my morning coffee.

So if hooking up with horny 20-somethings is what you're after, Blendr (or Grindr) is brilliant.  Nearly everyone was exceptionally good-looking and fit.  (Or maybe that's more a reflection of where I live.)  But don't be deceived by the 'Dating' or 'Relationship' status thing.  Nobody there is interested in just meeting you for gelato.

Coworkers on Parade

Last night was another fun event with my coworkers!  This time, thankfully, it started at a reasonable hour.  (Click here to read about the last time I went out with these folks.)  It was the boss' birthday, and everyone was geared up to make a night of it.


We started out at The Pilot in Yorkville around 5:30pm.  Drinks and appetizers were served -- I stuck to drinking diet coke for a while because I really can't handle my liquor, and I wanted everyone else to get a good head start.  The Pilot has a rooftop patio, which would have been amazing on a less sticky and humid day.  (As usual, I left the house with fantastic hair and makeup only to arrive at my destination completely soaked.  What's that expression?  'Girls don't perspire, they glow'?  Oh I was glowing alright.)


The funny thing about my coworkers is that after you get a few drinks in them, all propriety goes out the window.  (Interestingly, it's usually the HR gal that riles it all up.)  For some reason they were completely fixated on my breasts last night, and the resulting pictures are truly horrendous.  (There's an especially dirty one of me holding a beer with my cleavage while Deb pretends to mouth the bottle.  Oh Lawdy, I hope that one doesn't end up on Facebook.)


Anyway, I did eventually start drinking.  I ordered a glass of wine, trying to be classy, but that didn't last long.  A bunch of us had a drink called a grenade -- a shot of tequila, quickly chased with a shot of Jägermeister dropped into a glass of Red Bull.  It was truly disgusting.  I followed it with 3 glasses of water. Then I discovered Long Island iced tea, which went down MUCH too easily.

A bit of poetry

It's not every day that you wake up to a poem in your Inbox.  This particular gem comes from a guy on Plenty of Fish who, apparently, gets inspired in the wee hours of the morning.

I guess it's not bad considering that he wrote it at 4am.  Over eight months of online dating and this is my first poem!  An eDating milestone!  (And you people wonder why I don't go on more dates...?)

Singles Mixer Snooze-Fest

Last night I went to a singles mixer at Parlour on Adelaide. Remember Cici the yoga instructor from my Vegas trip? Well she was my wing man for the night -- or rather, I think I was hers. I was just NOT in the mood to be charming, so I let her take the lead.

I tried out a hairstyle I saw in a magazine last night for the first time. It was supposed to give me beachy waves, but instead gave me Shirley Temple. And then the humidity on the walk to the bar gave me frizz. (I can't win.) Having bad hair at a singles mixer instantly saps your confidence, but on we went.

I wasn't wearing my glasses so I couldn't get a good sense of who was there, but Cici immediately noticed that the ratio of women to men was about 6 to 1. She seemed pretty discouraged, while I remained mostly indifferent. We did a short lap around the room and landed on a couch next to two very quiet Iranian men. Cici kept the conversation going while I tried very hard not to be bored. (I did, however, take a strong interest in my gin & tonic.)

On the way back from getting another drink, we chatted up one of the event organizers. He had the unforgettable name of Chris Brown. We talked about the statistics of dating events, and which events were more likely to attract either of the sexes. Pretty interesting stuff actually. Apparently their wine tasting event was packed with guys. (Will definitely make a note to go to their next one.)

What are the odds?

I've exchanged a few emails with a guy in the last day or so -- let's call him Larry -- who bears an uncanny resemblance to Ken, whom I dated in January.  Even down to the limp.  Over text, Larry said he walks with a slight limp, due to a tumor he once had in his spinal cord.  I got the whole story, and it was kind of sad.  (Apparently he just drew the genetic 'short straw'.)  What are the odds that I'd meet two men on Plenty of Fish, of a similar age and build, who both walk with a limp?  This is the question I asked Muffy today in a text, which got the funniest answer ever...

Were you in a limp chatroom?  (Ha!  Oh that could go so many ways.)

Anyway, he's been texting me all day.  Not even kidding -- I've had four texts and it's only 5pm.  He seems really nice, but gimme a break!  He's taken all of the usual 'game' out of the situation.  There's no mystery, no wondering if he'll call or text.  I've complained about 'the game' a lot, but now that it's out of the equation, I kind of miss it.  Without any challenge, and with the guy practically falling at my feet, I seem to be much less interested.  Could it be that 'the game' is actually important to the human mate selection process?  I'm storing this thought for later.

Party 'til the sun comes up

You might remember from my last post that I was supposed to go out with Henry the landscaper last night.  Well, it didn't happen.  I slept through what was supposed to be our second date.  Let me explain why...

On Tuesday night (which was technically Wednesday morning) I went to a work function that began at midnight and went to about 5am.  It's not like me to go out drinking on a weeknight, but my company was sponsoring the event, and there was an open bar, so how could I pass it up?  I also had the added incentive of maybe meeting a guy -- it was the after party to an IT conference, so the ratio of men to women was about 6 to 1.  I liked the odds.

I wrestled myself into some spanx, troweled on some makeup, and put on the sexiest heels I could manage to walk in.  I think I looked pretty good, so I'm sure I had a definite strut when I got out of the cab and walked toward the line-up.  As soon as I got my VIP wristband on and got in the door, I knew instantly that my hair and makeup didn't stand a chance.  The old hall, chosen no doubt because it had a stage for the live band, had NO AIR CONDITIONING.  It started out hot, but quickly turned into a sauna as people arrived and began dancing.  (I went from looking sexy to looking like a half-melted wax figure of RuPaul in less than 15 seconds.)  Some guys were even down to undershirts, once they figured out that they had sweat stains to their waist.

"Well this shirt's ruined.  Better just take it off and keep dancing.  Shots!  Shots!"

Being only about six months into my job, I've never had the opportunity to party with my coworkers before.  This was the first time I got to see everyone feeling relaxed and tipsy, and it was surprising the personalities that came out.  The cool guy in the office kept giving everyone the thumbs up all night, the quiet Italian guy who claimed to be too shy to network started drinking rum and cokes two at a time, and one of the programmers got completely tanked and took it upon himself to be my wing man -- basically he just ran around the room asking guys if they were single, and if he found one, he then found me and dragged over to them, asking them, "Have you met Kathy?"  (That's not my name.)

Eat, play, love (travel)

Hiya readers!  I have so much news!  I wish I had time to write everything in separate posts, but I'm just going to have to write one post with point-form updates.

FLORIDA
Vacation in Florida was amazing!  I went with my mom and sister for a week of laying by the pool and shopping.  I came back with a [very slight] tan, and lots of great clothes.  I would just like to say, however, that the house we rented seemed to have some creatures living in it.  I woke up in the middle of the night to use the washroom, and on my way I saw something dash from one shadow to the next, and I heard little footsteps.  I stood there for a minute trying to decide whether to grab my phone (to use as a flashlight) and investigate, or go back to bed.  Since the creature was actually IN the washroom, I went for option #2.  Anyway, that was the last night of the trip, so I didn't get too creeped out.  There were lots of tiny lizards around the pool though, which were more cute than creepy.  (I'm pretty sure lizards can't hurt me, and these ones were definitely not heavy enough to have audible footsteps on lineoleum... *shudder*)

DATES

The night before I left for Florida I had a date with Dan the elementary school teacher.  He was very nice, and we had a good time, but I'm not sure we really connected.  We've exchanged a few messages, but I think I was the one to initiate, so unless I hear from him again, which seems unlikely, I'll chalk that up to a nice evening, but no chemistry.

I've also just this past Sunday been out with another guy, Henry the landscaper.  We just did the typical Starbucks thing, but I think we had great conversation.  And I'm sure he felt a spark, because he asked me out for tomorrow night before I even got home from our first date -- I had to travel to the end of the subway line, so it was a bit of a journey.  Anyway, my initial thoughts on him are that he is soft-spoken, has a great smile, and seems family-oriented.  He's not the classiest guy around, but that seems to matter less and less with each loser I go out with.

WORK

Do you ever have days (or weeks) where you feel like you can't do anything right?  Yep, that's me.  Apparently I was so excited on the Thursday before my vacation that I ran out the door without officially telling anyone, and I missed a big staff meeting.  That's a pretty big oops.  Like, 'official HR warning' oops.  Where was my head?  

I've always been a bit flighty and forgetful -- my sister once summed it up nicely when she said I'm the dumbest smart person she knows.  This isn't an insult at all, despite how it sounds.  I didn't take it that way, and she didn't mean it as one.  I just read a book where the main character's 20-something son possessed a seriously high IQ but was always a little 'out to lunch'.  I sort of feel like that too, except my IQ isn't as impressive.  Mostly it just seems like I'm always saying the wrong thing.  Anyway, until I'm put on a project that really highlights my strengths, I'd better be careful not to come across as too absent-minded, or these people will wonder why they hired me in the first place.

In other news, I'm going to a work party tonight that starts at midnight and goes until 5am.  My company is sponsoring the after party to a big conference, and my instructions were to 'look cool'.  What am I going to wear??  At least it should be good for a blog post!

LIFE

Kind of related to work, I've noticed I'm a major stress eater.  This is definitely working against my goal of getting healthy this year.  Since I don't see work getting less stressful anytime soon, I've decided something's got to give, and that's my diet.  I've made a decision to start Weight Watchers, which should at least make me more careful about what I eat when work is getting to me.  I guess my first step is to find a meeting?  I don't know.  I'll report back.

So that's it from me for now!  Lots going on, so I'll have lots to write about!

Wake-up call

This morning, at around 7:45, I was woken up by my phone.  Nobody calls me that early, so I was really startled.  Also, it was from a blocked number.  It turns out, it was a woman on the verge of tears, who wanted to know how I knew Doug.  Thus began a very dramatic morning.

I confessed that I hadn't met Doug yet, but we met on a dating site, and were supposed to go for coffee this evening.  She told me that she has been with Doug for two years, and they just got a puppy together.  Not only that but three months ago she uprooted her life in Alberta to move to Newfoundland to be with him.  Needless to say, she was completely distraught.

We talked on the phone for a while, and I answered all of her questions as best I could.  She asked me if I thought Doug was just looking for sex, and I had to tell her that I didn't think so -- my profile is extremely wholesome, since I don't want to be solicited for casual hook-ups.  In a way, I wish I could have told her he was just looking for sex.  Maybe it would have been easier to understand, and feel like less of a betrayal.

She was determined to confront Doug with evidence and catch him in his lies, so I did everything she asked of me.  Women need to stick together in these situations.  I sent her a screen shot of Doug's dating profile and the emails we exchanged, which included dates and times that he said he was available to meet.

She called me again after she talked to Doug, and said that Doug was lying about being on the site, and claimed someone 'hacked' his account.  She knew this was ridiculous, but wanted to warn me that Doug might try and get in touch.  (He never did, he just deleted his account off of Plenty of Fish.)

He fouled my nest

I don't have any recent dating stories to tell, but I do have one from Friday involving a barely-dressed man in my bed.  (Don't get excited, it's not one of those stories.)

So there I was, at home alone on a Friday night at 1am, tootling around the internet trying to find an apartment.  I was dressed in a sundress that I think was on its third wear, and my hair was especially dirty -- not expecting company, obviously.  Then out of nowhere, a knock at my door.  I just assumed someone got lost on their way to the party down the hall, so I didn't even look through the peep hole.  But it wasn't a party-goer.

It was Dan.  We used to be neighbours until just over a year ago, but now we're mostly just Facebook friends.  He's also the guy I'd call if my computer started acting weird.  (Everyone needs one of those friends.)  Anyway, Dan is a bit of a weekend partier, and the fact that I now live in the club district near all of the bars hasn't escaped him.  Sometimes he crashes on my couch -- no big deal.

Anyway, I opened the door and I swear the smell of booze hit me before I fully recognized him.  He stumbled in with a bottle of Brio, barely managing to kick his shoes off and sit down.  He looked like he was heading to the couch, so I figured he'd be passed out in no time.  I left him alone to begin my bedtime routine of showering and teeth brushing, and when finished, I came out of the bathroom to a seemingly empty apartment.  Did Dan leave?

Nope.  Found him.  He had stripped down to an undershirt, boxers, and tube socks and was sprawled out face first on my bed.  Now, ordinarily a woman who finds a good-looking, half undressed guy in her bed might be a bit excited.  But my first thought was "Damn it get off my duvet before your stink gets on it!".  Priorities, am I right?  I yanked him up into a sitting position, the first step to getting him out of my room, when I heard him mumble something that sounded a lot like "garbage can".  JESUS ROLLERSKATING CHRIST!  I barely had time to shove my waste paper basket under his chin before he started vomiting.  IN.  MY.  BED.

At that point all I could do was hold the garbage pail until he was done.  I did eventually get him on the couch, after putting down a drop-cloth, and got him some water.  He passed out again within seconds of his head hitting the pillow.  Poor Dan.  At least he had the courtesy the next morning to take his puke bucket with him.  Oh, and he left me $5 to buy a new one!  Enough to buy a new basket AND some Febreze, methinks.

Blog neglect

Hello readers!  It's been a really long time since I last posted, and I'm starting to feel really guilty about it.  The last you heard from me, I was about to go into surgery.  Well, it went swimmingly.  I am definitely enjoying my lack of gallbladder.

You know what I'm not enjoying lately?  Online dating.  In the past few weeks I've been exchanging emails with a bunch of people, and a pattern is emerging.  After about the fourth exchange, they lose all interest.  It's  very frustrating.  Also, it leaves me with very little to write about!  Oh, and remember Finn?  Well he hasn't remembered me.  His life is all baseball, all the time.  I'm not terribly disappointed we never got that second date.

At the moment, the only guy on my radar is Doug.  He seems very nice, but also extremely busy with traveling back and forth between Toronto and the east coast for work.  As a result, our emails or texts are infrequent.  I have little to no hope that we'll ever meet.

So that's about all that's going on in my dating world.  I have another speed dating event in a few weeks, which I'm going to with Stacey.  I think she's more excited than I am.  It's a 'mix and mingle' format, which is a bit more nerve-wracking than the standard table rotation speed dating.  I'm nervous!  (Also, not sure I have a cocktail dress that I like.  This is important.)

I enjoyed my break from the blog, but I'm back!  Maybe my next post will be all about the comedy of errors that was my surgery.  Stay tuned!

Bye bye gallbladder!

If you know me, you know that I've been complaining about my gallbladder for about 2 years.  (I know that some of you had to suffer through a lot of whining, and for that I'm mostly sorry.)  But as of tomorrow night, I will be free of it at last!  My surgery is scheduled for the morning, and I'll be home and on awesome drugs by dinnertime.  I'll be out of town at my parents' place recuperating, likely high as a kite, so I won't blog again until next week.

And speaking of the parents, it turns out that bad gallbladders run in my family.  Tons of relatives have already had this surgery, so it's no big deal.  As far as I can tell, you can live normally and eat normally pretty soon after surgery.  Thank God!  It's barbecue season!

Check out that picture.  Who knew something so small could cause so much pain?

Wish me luck!  I'll be back next week, with one fewer vestigial organ.

My date with Finn

Hiya readers!  Ok, so let's talk about my date with Finn.  We met last Thursday night after his baseball game -- it was about 11pm by the time he got to my place.  As he was on his way up from the parking garage I tried to sneak a look at him in the security monitor.  His pictures were really good on OkCupid so I had my fingers crossed that he was as handsome in person.  When he stepped off the elevator I formed an immediate first impression based on these thoughts:

• Holy crap he's a giant!  I guess "6'8" on his profile wasn't a typo after all.
• Is it my imagination or does he look a bit like The Situation?  Maybe a little -- but no six-pack, tan, or douche-vibe.
• Dear Lord, I need to burn that shirt.

All of those thoughts happened in about 3 seconds, then I gave him a big hug -- on tiptoes, obviously.  We decided to walk along King Street until a bar caught our fancy.  Finn is a really chatty guy, so conversation was light and breezy.

Quick dating update

Hi readers!  I'm going to make this brief, but I've been asked to do a bit of a summary of some of the guys I've mentioned over the past little while.  (Not that there's a lineup forming to meet me or anything.)  Here goes:

Steve the boot guy -- Starts a new job in Atlanta next week, so no plans to meet.  We rarely even say hello over skype, so the book's now closed on this guy.

Shawn from speed dating -- A total flake.  Texts occasionally but can't seem to make a firm plan to meet.  Not interested.

Nikola from speed dating -- Would have been interested to meet, but our emails tapered off.  Probably won't hear from him again.

And now there's a new guy to tell you about!  His name is Finn and we found each other on OkCupid.  We're meeting for a drink tonight after his baseball game.  What I know about him so far is that he's nearly 30, lives just north of the city, and is a case worker for the welfare office.  He has one of those jobs that must be extremely difficult and emotionally draining at times.  (I know I couldn't do it.)  Also, he seems really into sports.  Even bowling!  As the world's worst bowler, I secretly hope he never suggests we play.  (I hate bowling.)

Since Finn is driving down after his baseball game, he was worried he wouldn't smell good.  He sent me a text message this afternoon explaining that he wouldn't want me to get the wrong impression, and that his baseball shoes don't 'breathe'.  I wrote back that I can't judge -- I have a few pairs of ballet flats make my feet stink for the same reason.  He then responded with, "This conversation is getting pretty hot."  Gotta like a guy with a sense of humour!  Full date report coming soon...

My contribution to science

I really wasn't sure if I should write this post, because it definitely falls into the category of "Too Much Information".  But, as with most things that have been happening to me lately, this story was too funny not to share.  Just a heads-up though, in case there are any men who read this blog -- this post is about the kind of doctor visit that no woman looks forward to, and I'm going to make mention of 'down there'.  Cool?  Cool.

Yesterday while showering I found a lump in a private area.  Is there anything more terrifying?  I don't think so!  I probably spent a good hour afterward trying to further investigate, maneuvering mirrors and lamps in countless ways, but without success.  (What am I, a gymnast?)  Anyway, time to call the doctor.

Funny thing about doctors.  As soon as you tell them you found something strange crop up in a private place, they can't wait to get you in to see someone.  I called at 2pm and had an appointment for 7.  According to Rose the receptionist, they prioritize the 'down there' cases in an attempt to stem the flow of any sexually-transmitted epidemics.  Honestly, by the time Rose hung up I felt like I was patient 0 of some kind of scary new STI.

In a brief moment of panic I began googling pictures of all the STIs I could remember from grade 10 health class.  What did I learn?  I learned that NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO SEE THAT.  F*ck you, Rose!  And also, you pretty much have to have sex to catch anything.  So...  Moving on.

Fitness Singles

A while ago a reader emailed in and asked if I'd tried the dating site FitnessSingles.com.  I wrote back and said that no, I haven't checked it out, but I would register and then review it -- all in the name of research!  (This was like 3 months ago, and I'm only just writing about it now.)  Of course, me going on a fitness site is a bit of a laugh in itself.  I mean, yes I do bootcamp classes a few times a week, but I am far from 'fit'.  (Between us, I think I need to lose like 50 pounds.  But I can still rock a cocktail dress!)

So I made a profile, just to check out the site.  Unlike most sites, this one will ask you for your exact height and weight -- thankfully there's a "rather not say" option in the drop-down menu.  On a fitness site though, that's pretty much code for "I'm fat but I don't want you to know how fat."  I also had to indicate 3 sports or activities that I participate in, and my proficiency level for each.  I picked skiing, golf, and aerobics -- I couldn't figure out if bootcamp should count as 'aerobics' or 'weight lifting', but after a quick search of the women's profiles, women who indicated 'weight lifting' as their activity kind of looked like the East German swim team, so I went with 'aerobics'.  The rest of the profile questions were completely ordinary, and I wrote the same blurb I write on all sites:  "I work in IT, I like dogs, blah blah blah."  At this point I could write a dating profile in my sleep.

So three months later, it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I'm not exactly popular on this site.  I'm just not what these guys are looking for, and I totally get that.  I think if you want to be a success on this dating site, you have to post a picture of yourself in tight, yoga clothes.  Or a bikini.  It's basically a dating site for hot athletes, is what I'm saying.  You'll see a lot of guys like this:

Not exactly hard on the eyes, right?  Unfortunately none of these men emailed me.  Here's who did:

Yeah, this site isn't for me.  I can't attract anyone younger than 50.  (And/or, closeted gays?  Anyone else getting that vibe from bachelors 1 and 4?  Maybe it's just me.)

Anyway, I'm just glad I didn't have to pay to browse this site.  You do have to be a paying member to read the emails you get though.  So if you're a hot, fitness maven, I'd love your review!  Has anyone out there joined FitnessSingles.com?

Please tell me this has happened to you

You know how they say that a butterfly flapping its wings in Canada can cause a tsunami in Japan or whatever?  (I'm pretty sure Ashton Kutcher said this.)  Well I totally had one of those days.  It all started with a misaligned lid on my afternoon mochaccino.  It bugs me when the mouth spout of the lid opens over the seam of the cup, so I tried to swivel it around.  Unfortunately the lid was on tighter than I thought, and my hands fumbled.  On any other day, with my usual reflexes, the cup and its foamy contents would have dropped to the ground.  Today though, I was like a ninja -- I caught the cup alright, but upside down.  I looked like the victim of a drive-by wet T-shirt contest.

I stood there a minute letting what had happened sink in.  I mean literally -- my bra was acting as a giant DD-cup sponge.  I didn't have time to go home and change before choir practice, so I came up with a game plan.  Hop on the subway and hit up Walmart for a fresh set of clothes.  It's right next to where we rehearse, and I only would only have to sit in my own mess for a few subway stops.  Off I went.

Disappearing act

Hello lovelies!  Wasn't the weather amazing today?  I treated myself to a mani-pedi and a frozen yogurt.  I started out in such a good mood!

But then my mood hit a bit of a snag.  Last night I exchanged emails with a guy on plenty of fish who seemed really amazing.  He said his name was Alex, 29 year old, an accountant, who lives downtown.  Nothing out of the ordinary, right?  So he gave me his number and I said I'd call him this afternoon to meet for a drink.  Fast forward to me calling him... and the number didn't work!  I was given a fake number!

"The number you have dialed is not in service."

I called him on it and he said he was having some trouble with his phone.  I suggested we should still meet after dinner, because we don't live far from each other, and then *POOF*.  All of a sudden his messages and his profile disappeared from view.  So what happened?  He blocked me.

This is an example of someone who goes online, creates a profile, and has absolutely no intention of meeting anyone in person.  He's a dating site creeper.  There could be many reasons... maybe he's married, or an old dude trying to chat with younger women.  Or maybe the creeper is a woman!  There's no way to know.

The surefire way to suss out a creeper is to insist on meeting them in person.  You demand a first and last name, and a phone number, and then you make plans to meet in some public place.  Not too much to ask at all, right?  There was a time when I was naive and far too trusting of those 'people' I met online -- which ended in me feeling like an idiot for having wasted my time.  Readers, please learn from my mistakes and don't trust anyone until you get DETAILS.  You can definitely meet some fantastic people on dating sites, but if someone seems too good to be true, well, they probably are.

The Studious Serb

I've had a few email exchanges with Nikola from speed dating.  Here's what I know about him so far.  He did his PhD in something computery and is now studying for a certification in Financial Risk.  (What kind of career path is that?)  Anyway, I don't have much to report except that he seems really nice and I'd love to meet him when he finds time for a study break.  Also, he's really into astrology.  He's a Gemini and I'm an Aquarius and apparently we're a match made in the stars.

Does anyone actually believe this stuff?  In your experience, does astrology have it right when it comes to compatibility?  As a scientist, I have a hard time believing it has any merit, and yet when I read the description for Aquarians it does seem to fit.  Thoughts?

Stee-rike 1!

You guys, I have a problem with people who say they'll call you up to go out, and then they don't.  I like to know what I'm doing, and when, and with whom.  So when Shawn (from speed dating) called me on Saturday afternoon and asked me to coffee on Sunday, I expected some follow-through.  After all, the plans were for the next day -- not much room there to flake out.  He said he'd call when he was finished his errands and then head to my neighborhood to meet up.  I didn't have an exact time, but I didn't need one.

Sidenote:  My only plans yesterday included watching movies on the couch, drinking Nyquil and blowing my nose.  I have a cold, and when I'm sick I tend to hibernate.  I'm not one of those troopers who will suck it up and get on with life -- I deal with illness by taking myself right to bed.

So Sunday afternoon rolls around and no call from Shawn.  I was kind of relieved because I didn't want to meet him all germy, but then I was annoyed.  Stee-rike 1!  I can't say I'm really interested in Shawn, so I'm not disappointed if I never hear from him again.  It was more that I think he's quite a character, and would have made funny blog material.

Me being me, I couldn't just leave it be.  I had to know what happened!  So I sent him a text saying like, "Busy day?  ;)"  and put in the wink to imply that he must have had a busy day because he totally forgot about me.  He texted right back and said we'll definitely figure out some other time.

Uh huh.  Sure we will.  (I won't be waiting with baited breath.)

Never put rosemary on your face

The other night I put some lotion on my face before bed.  (It was Aveda's rosemary and mint.)  When I woke up the next morning, my face felt hot and itchy, and when I looked in the mirror I scared myself.  Angry, red welts all over the place.  Obviously I did what anyone in my situation would do -- I freaked out and ran to the corner pharmacy in my PJs.

When Phil the uber-gay pharmacist saw me coming, his eyes went huge -- "Oh, sweetie!" -- and before I finished saying I'd tried out a new lotion, he'd put antihistamines and cortisone cream in my hands.  He reassured me that my face would be back to normal in a day or two, but absolutely no makeup in the meantime.  (So in other words, no dates this weekend.)

I got to work and slathered my face in cortisone ointment.  It seemed to help, but every time I touched my face I'd get grease all over my hands.  And once that stuff gets on your hands, there's no getting it off.  My laptop and workstation are covered in an oil slick.  And all because of a stupid little plant!

My aunt asked an Aveda saleswoman about it, who then looked shocked that anyone could be so stupid...

"NEVER PUT ROSEMARY ON YOUR FACE!!!"

Is that supposed to be common knowledge?  Why the hell wouldn't they write that on the bottle?  Anyway, I guess it could be worse... at least it wasn't the night before speed dating.

14 dates in one night

Well readers, I made it through speed dating!  I was really nervous about it, but in the end I relaxed and had a great time.  I didn't give myself nearly enough time to get ready after work though.  I only had an hour to shower, blow dry my hair, steam my dress for wrinkles, squeeze myself into a body-shaping anti-muffin top slip, put in hot rollers, trowel on some makeup, and then cab it to the venue.  My hair was borderline frizzy, and my eye makeup was verging on drag queen, but other than that I looked really hot!  I totally didn't need to worry about being the least attractive woman there.  (Some girl showed up in cargo pants. Seriously.)

Last night's event was very well-attended, and I think there were a few last-minute participants.  As a result, there were not enough tables for every woman.  I was the last gal to arrive so they had to bring in some kitchen chairs and an Ikea coffee table and hastily make me a station.  Lucky #13!  It was a bit awkward because the table was so low that the men basically had to straddle it, and I couldn't cross my legs over or under it.  Then we both had to lean in close to hear each other-- although, this leaning forward might have worked to my advantage in the end, given the particular wrap dress I was wearing.  ;)

Thug life

Sometimes on dating sites you come across someone from a completely different walk of life, and for some reason that person is convinced you are soul mates.  I recently got an email from a man who is dead set on finding love, but we could not be less compatible if we were allergic to each other.  Let me give you a rundown.

Meet LJ.  He's a 33 year old high school drop-out with an admittedly rough past.  He has two children, each from a different woman, and would love to have more in the future.  His goal is to finish his tattoo sleeve someday.  Oh, and he likes long walks on the beach.

So I wrote LJ a really polite 'thanks but no thanks' email, figuring he probably didn't even read my profile.  (If he had, he'd know that we have nothing in common.)  But then he wrote me again, IN ALL CAPS, completely angry and surprised that I didn't feel the same way.  (My loss, obviously.)

Because isn't that what every woman wants?  A man who will fly off the handle at the slightest provocation?  Yeesh.

Speed Dating Jitters

On Wednesday night of this week I am attending my first speed dating session.  I've read up about it online, and planned my outfit, but even those preparatory measures aren't calming my nerves.

It's one thing to meet one guy for a drink, and quite another to face twelve guys at once.  When I'm heading to a one-on-one date, I never doubt that I'm capable of being totally charming.  I always feel like even if I'm not their physical type, I'm pretty good at making someone smile or laugh.  I force people to see beyond my packaging, and I think that's how I win them in the end.  My worst fear with speed dating is that I'll be rated against 11 super-hot models and none of the guys will care about what I have to offer -- they'll be too busy looking down the line to see what flashy packaging is coming to their table next.

What's scarier still is that period before the event when everyone's milling around, sizing up the competition -- because that's exactly what it is, you know.  A pecking order based solely on attraction will be establishing itself as people mingle and order drinks.  It probably sounds like I'm being extreme, but I tend to think like an anthropologist when it comes to dating.  (I did my undergraduate thesis in human mate selection, and it really isn't all that different from what you see on the Discovery Channel.)  So even though I know how the game is played, I can't help but have the Speed Dating Jitters. 

Have any of you readers been speed dating?  Any advice?

My date with Ted

I knew it wasn't going to go well from the minute I sat down.  Remember Ted, the English/Korean guy?  Right. Well, let's just say that his ancestry was the absolute last thing on my mind.  He showed up to our date looking like this.

I tried really hard to ignore it but half way through dinner one side of the bandaid started to unstick.  He blathered on about the political situation in The Vale (some region in the Game of Thrones series apparently) and as he talked, I nodded and watched the corner slowly unpeel itself from his face.  At that point I pretended like I had only just noticed, and asked, "Oh no, did you hurt yourself?"

"Oh it's nothing, I just cut myself shaving" he said.  What the hell was he shaving with?  A cutlass??

I probably don't need to tell you that there won't be a second date.  (He wasn't impressed with my lack of knowledge on the history of House Arryn.)

Bootcamp - 2 months in

Ok, I'll be honest -- March wasn't a great month in terms of actually getting to the gym.  Between throwing my back out, working crazy hours, and going on vacation, I didn't get to nearly as many classes as I would have liked.  So as expected, I don't have any drastic results to share.

I have noticed one change though.  My bum has shrunk.  While a lot of women would kill for this outcome, I am not pleased.  I carry my weight like a flotation device around my middle -- I'm the body type that women's magazines constantly refer to as 'Apple', and the one that is consistently hardest to dress.

Basically, I need a bit of junk in my trunk to give the illusion that I have a waistline, and to balance out my top half.  If my ass continues to disappear, I'm looking at this body type:

Don't you wish you could choose the area where you lose weight?  I once read an article about some scientist who figured out how to grow a human ear on the back of a mouse.  Surely we can figure out how to target certain body areas for weight loss.

And speaking of weight loss, I've only lost one pound this month.  Not much of an achievement.  Last month I whined about only losing 5 pounds, but when I saw my doctor a few weeks ago she said that I shouldn't lose weight any faster than that or I'd get more gallstones.  (Yes, gallstones.  It's like I'm 85.)

This month is month 3, so it's all about making sure I don't miss any bootcamp classes, and trying to eat more veggies.  (And maybe doing fewer lunges and more sit-ups, in case that makes any difference.)

Interracial dating

Happy Easter!  Did you enjoy the long weekend?  I enjoyed mine up until I started spring cleaning yesterday. Ugh.

A little while ago I got an email from a reader asking if I had ever been in an interracial relationship, or if I had any thoughts on it.  After thinking about it for a bit, I realized that no, I actually don't have any thoughts on interracial dating or relationships -- It's not really a topic that's been on my radar before.  I've gone on dates with guys from other races, but none amounted to an actual relationship.  (If I'm honest, I've always pictured myself ending up with someone similar to me in race, beliefs, and socioeconomic background.  What can I say?  My Ken dolls were always blond.)

So after a couple of emails with this lovely reader, she told me about how she has fallen for an Indian man, and even though there are some major cultural differences, they're making it work.  (I just love a movie-worthy happy ending, don't you?)  Her challenge to me was to be open to finding love in "unexpected faces" -- a phrase I loved so much I reused it.

Challenge accepted!  I emailed around and now have a blind date with a guy named Ted.  He has an interesting background -- half Korean and half English.  He also works in IT, so we have that in common.  I'm to call him tonight and set up a date.  I'm curious what his thoughts are on interracial relationships, since he's obviously the product of one.  (Although, that may not be a first date topic.)  I'll let you know how it goes!

What happened in Las Vegas - Part 4

Hola readers!  Here at last is the final installment of my adventures in Las Vegas.  (Catch up reading on part 1, part 2, and part 3 here.)

Sunday

Muffy and Cece woke up early to run errands -- Muffy to buy tickets to Cirque for that night, and Cece was in search of good, strong coffee. I would have gone with Muffy to keep her company, but something disgusting happened to my feet in the middle of the night and just shuffling to the bathroom felt like walking on knives. I didn't tell Muffy, but the sheets near the bottom of the bed looked like something out of CSI. So I stayed in bed and kept sleeping, enjoying having the whole bed and all the pillows to myself. When I woke up again, Muffy was there with breakfast in bed! I had a delicious muffin and coffee from the Paris hotel. Isn't she the best?

I give up

I was going to write my last Vegas post tonight but I don't think I have it in me. I'm exhausted and I'm in a foul, self-pitying mood. It's because I feel left out. One of my dearest friends told me tonight that she has just found 'the one'. They met on OkCupid last week and have been inseparable ever since. (Apparently it's just that easy for some people.)

Readers, I give up. I admit I haven't been putting in a big effort to find a guy (online or otherwise) for the past few months, but even when I was putting in the effort I wasn't exactly reeling them in. Last week I remember thinking that I'm kind of enjoying being single and focusing on my work. I wasn't concerned about my lack of dating prospects at all! Apart from having no dating stories for my dating blog, of course.

So this 'boyfriend envy' really came out of nowhere. It's a disgusting feeling to own up to. I can't believe my first thought was 'I'm so happy for you!' but the one right after was 'Yeah but it was my turn.' Isn't that awful?

Maybe I should just get a dog and call it a day.

What happened in Vegas - Part 3

Ok! Ready for more Vegas? I know it's been drawn out but TRUST ME the best stuff happened at the end. I think it'll be worth the wait! (Just one more to go after this one, as soon as I have time, I promise.)

Saturday

This is the day I will always remember as the day I picked a fight with a bus load of Mexicans. But maybe I should start from the beginning. It was another beautiful, warm sunny day in Las Vegas -- hot, but with a breeze so you don't get too sweaty. Muffy and I headed to the pool around 10:30am and found that every single chair was occupied. I spotted an area on the pool deck that looked promising, so Muffy (the resourceful wee thing) went and stole a bunch of towels to make the hard ground more comfy. And then, to stake out our territory and save room for the other four gals who would join us in a few hours, I spread the entire contents of my beach bag across half the deck.

Be sure to put book end your poolside territory with something gross that no one would want to touch -- my bloody, crusty sandals worked like a charm.

It was amazing!  We basically had a private pool.  Eventually it did get more crowded and some pimply, barely-old-enough-to-drink guys tried to encroach on our space by sneakily moving my shoe closer and closer to the center.  So every once in a while I'd just bellow "I HAVE FOUR MORE FRIENDS COMING!" as soon as anyone got too close.  For whatever reason, I was having a bossy day, and it wouldn't end there.

What happened in Vegas - Part 2

Friday

Friday was our first full day on vacation, and we certainly made the most of it!  I woke up at 7am, wide awake and a bit chatty.  I bounced on the bed a bit so Muffy would wake up and as soon as I saw one eye open I was all, "Oh are you awake? Me too!  What are we going to do today?  What are you going to wear?  What do you want for breakfast? BLAH BLAH BLAH".  I tried to speak quietly so that I wouldn't wake up Cece in the next bed, but again -- my famous stage whisper.  (Sorry Cece.)  This scene began what would become our morning routine:  I would get up to pee at 7, then Muffy would wake up and have to pee, I'd blather on for about 45 minutes, and then we'd go back to sleep until 10.

This morning was only slightly different because we had to wake up in time for our 9:30am pedicures.  (We're so spoiled.)  Both me and Muffy were feeling a bit embarrassed about our disgusting winter feet, but my main concern was that they would attempt to exfoliate my soles and then my blisters would explode in someone's face.  We went to the little salon in the basement of the Flamingo, which was kind of on par with one of those little Asian nail outposts on King Street.

They immediately knew we were Canadian from our accents.  (What accent?)  The woman who did my nails was named Lisa.  What a character!  She sort of reminded me of a middle-aged, heavy-set Janeane Garofalo.  When she saw the bottoms of my feet she completely freaked out -- apparently she is diabetic and so worries a lot about feet.  She did however give me a good tip:  Go to Macy's and get the Nike sandals with the gel insoles because they're on sale and they'll be better for my feet than flip flops.  (In retrospect I could kiss her for that advice!)

What happened in Vegas - Part 1

Oh boy, this is going to be a long one!  I'm going to try and recount everything that happened in my action-packed, 4-day adventure in Las Vegas.  But first, let me introduce the cast of characters.  (Since I don't use real names on my blog, I'm giving all my girls WASPy nicknames just like mine.)

I traveled with:

• Muffy -- My bestie, who I've mentioned lots before, the birthday girl.
• Lulu -- Muffy's younger sister and the only non-single gal on the trip.
• Didi -- Hilarious and sarcastic family friend of Muffy and Lulu.
• Gigi -- Didi's childhood friend, and the sassiest addition to our traveling crew.
• Cece -- Friend of Muffy's from uni, and aspiring yoga teacher.

Wednesday

On the night before the trip, I began overpacking like a maniac.  (I actually packed four pairs of beige shoes in varying styles and heel heights -- no kidding.)  I struggled with trying to zip my suitcase and then called Muffy for fashion editing help.

She convinced me I wouldn't need a raincoat as the weather was going to be hot and dry.  I decided on a whim that I probably also didn't need to pack pants on this trip -- a decision that I would regret in about 4 days.  It was really late before I could fall asleep, since I'm always worried about forgetting something.  And also because I was excited!  Finally, a vacation!  (A much needed one too, after two weeks of massive overtime at work.)

Viva Las Vegas!

Hiya readers!  You may have noticed I've been missing lately.  I've been in Las Vegas!  I have sooo many fun stories to share.  I just got back this minute and I'm exhausted, so the details will have to wait.  But let me leave you with this teaser...

Acrobats, margaritas, pedicures, seedy event planners, Chippendales, poolside flirting, VIP clubbing, marathon shopping, buffets, torturous footwear, great (new) friends, and a mechanical bull.  Stay tuned!

Happy St. Patty's Day!

I don't know if it's like this where you're from, but here in Canada we use St. Patrick's Day as an excuse to drink green beer and speak in truly awful Irish accents.  (I, however, have spent all day inside working on a client deliverable that is due Monday.)

I hope you're having fun tonight!  Here's a little St. Patty's Day smut to celebrate the occasion...

(Isn't this hideous?  I had to share it!)

In dating news, it would appear that the men of the city have come out of hibernation.   I have received more emails this week than in the whole month of February combined.  No one of interest yet, but things are looking up!

Meanwhile, still talking to Steve over skype.  Not much to report there, except that I've also learned he finds wedge sandals sexy.  (If things go well with him, I may have to update my whole shoe wardrobe.  Any excuse to shop!)

Skype dating

Remember the boot fetish guy?  Well he's stuck around so I should probably start referring to him by his name, because if things work out with him I'd hate for everyone to be like, "Steve?  Oh you mean the boot guy!"  So yes, his name is Steve, and we are still communicating regularly.  He's in Germany until late April for work, so we've actually been having Skype dates.

It was bad timing that Steve and I connected online right before he left on a business trip.  I could have told him to get back in touch when he's back in the country, but I was afraid he would lose interest, and I think I might kinda sorta maybe almost like him.  Sure, he drools over women in sexy boots, but maybe there are worse things.  (Actually I've learned there are a LOT of worse things.  I googled "fetish" after writing my first post, because I didn't actually know the definition.  It turns out that Steve doesn't qualify as a fetishist.  Also, there are now a lot of things I wish I could un-see.)  *shudder*

Anyway, Skype dates are better than nothing I guess.  It's sort of like having a face to face conversation, except that you both look like pop stars because you're wearing silly headsets.

 "I'm bringing sexy back..."

It's sort of like a real date, in a way, because you schedule a time to meet, you have to do your hair and put on mascara, and then try to be extra charming for about an hour.  One advantage to Skype dating, though, is that if the conversation goes stale, you can fake a problem with your wireless router and reschedule.  (Not that I've done this.  Just saying.)

Since Steve is from England, he goes back there on weekends while he's in Germany and stays with his mom (I mean "mum").  While I was talking to him on Saturday his mom shouted something and he screamed back "NOT NOW MUM, I'M ON THE PHONE!" but he forgot to cover his mouthpiece.  I nearly peed myself from the volume, and then again from laughing so hard.  How cute is that!  It really takes me back to high school -- Remember when we had to talk to our crushes over the land line, and you'd hear the click of a family member in a different room pick up the phone to use it, and you'd have to yell at them so they'd hear you as they were dialing?  Now I feel really old.

Now I can't remember where I was going with this post.  Hmm.  I do have one worry though... What if I'm already running out of things to talk about and he's stuck over there for another few weeks?  Maybe I should prep some notes before our next Skype date.

Bootcamp - 1 month in

Hiya readers!  So if you've been reading my blog for a while you know that I've started doing bootcamp classes a few nights per week.  I'm now a month into it, so I thought I'd do a little progress report. (I know some of you are hardcore into fitness, and have been asking about bootcamp, so this is for you!) 

The most noticeable difference between now and when I first started boot camp is that I no longer have to stop in the middle of the class so as to avoid puking.  I've always been one of those people whose first reaction to extreme physical exertion is to barf.  Even as a kid I can remember biking up a really big hill in the middle of summer, losing my lunch at the top, and then biking on home like it ain't no thang.  The boot camp trainer seemed really concerned about this, but I found out (thanks to google) that it's pretty common.  Also, eating small snack with a bit of protein an hour before class seems to help.  (OMG cheese strings!  LOVE.)

Boot fetish

I've been chatting with a guy online for just over a week who seems quite nice.  He has a normal, boring job, he has normal, average looks, and completely normal, generic hobbies.  By all accounts he seems completely, unbelievably, normal.

So that brings us to this past weekend.  He's overseas visiting family back in England for a few weeks, so our chats have been at weird times due to the time difference.  (Yes, another English guy.  Does anyone else find it weird that I keep attracting Brits and Aussies?  I should rename this blog Kiki's Adventures with Dudes from the Commonwealth.)

Anyhoo, on Saturday evening he popped up on msn after a night of heavy drinking on his part.  It was kind of entertaining chatting with a drunk person because of all the typos and nonsense.  But something interesting definitely came out of it.  Apparently Captain Average has a massive boot fetish!  I never would have guessed!

Early morning fire alarm

Readers, it's Monday morning and I feel like a zombie.  The fire alarm in my apartment building went off early this morning, and it's not exactly something you can sleep through.  When my alarm goes off I like to wake up slowly -- I push the snooze button a few times, then do some light stretches before getting out of bed.  But not this morning! 

As soon as the alarm went off I woke with such a start that I jumped out of bed in a tangle of blankets.  Unfortunately my feet were caught when I tried walking toward the 'mute' button so I ended up flat on my face.  No time to untangle with that kind of racket!  I dragged myself to the far wall wrapped up in my duvet like a burrito and slammed that mute button.  (Thank God for mute buttons or the whole apartment complex would be deaf, considering how often people's pot smoke sets off the alarms.)  So needless to say, I'm trying to feel less like a zombie by drinking lots of coffee.

(I googled zombie pictures to put here, but they were way too scary! 

This cat pretty much looks like how I feel.)

Anyway, that's all I have to report today.  On the dating front, I've been exchanging a few emails with one or two guys who I might like to meet in person, but they're not worth writing about yet.  Stay tuned!

Excuse me sir, may I kick you in the nuts?

...This is what his face told me he thought I said.  But actually...

Yesterday I went to Walmart to pick up a couple of groceries.  They were out of baskets at the front door so I thought I'd just scoop up the few things I needed.  It was a short grocery list.  Unfortunately, I realized too late that although my grocery items were few, they were f*cking heavy!  I was standing in the '10 or less' line trying to wrangle two jugs of soy milk, a small case of diet coke, and a jumbo box of Shreddies.  My arms were about to collapse from fatigue.  Faced with the option of dropping it all on the floor, I asked the man in front of me if he would mind if I cut in.  He was only carrying some tupperware storage bins, and as he was built like an ox, I knew he wasn't having the same problem as me. 

"Excuse me sir, would you mind if I go next?  I don't think I can hold onto this much longer." 

...which was first met with incredulity.

...and then horror.

...and then contempt.

I mean, really?  This is a big deal?  I'm standing there with my arms visibly shaking and my hair stuck to my forehead in a sweaty hank.  A 21st century damsel in distress, just trying to make it back to the castle with the basic necessities of life -- damn right diet pop counts as a basic necessity.

Maybe I caught the guy on a bad day, but I'm pretty sure chivalry just died a little.

Dear Anonymous...

My last post about my date with Seth has been really contentious.  I've had some interesting responses, ranging from people who agree that you can't force attraction if you're not feeling it, through to people accusing me of being a mean, hypocritical c*nt.  The weird thing is, I don't disagree with any of them.

One of the comments that was posted to the site (as opposed to just being emailed in) was basically a blog post in itself.  Click here to go back and read it, because the following is a response to that post by Anonymous.

Anonymous, thank you for your incredibly thoughtful comments. There certainly is a lot to think about there. I think my approach to finding someone would probably be in line with what you've written, in that I try to be the best 'me' I can be and put that out into the world. And when someone does 'take the bait', that's when I hope for a spark between us that indicates a mutual physical attraction. (I've had this spark with men on both ends of the looks spectrum, so I'm quite sure the magic behind it goes beyond just appearances.)

As for ‘dating up’, I completely agree with you that it can be anxiety-provoking. I have a track record of being in relationships with men whom I would consider better-looking than me, but I was never insecure because I knew I brought other things to the table. My strengths were their weaknesses, and theirs mine. (So there were no homeless people or deadbeat choir members in the relationship.)

My date with Seth

Oh, readers.  I know you're all waiting to hear how my date with Seth went, because there was so much excitement going into it.  The problem is, now that I've met him, I just don't think I'm excited about him anymore. 

Is it possible for people to have great chemistry over the phone, only to have it fizzle in person?  Our phone conversations were amazing -- I learned that Seth is sweet, intelligent, and really funny.  On Saturday night it ended up that Seth was downtown for a party, and so was I, so we agreed to leave our parties around 11pm and meet up for a drink.  (We were going to get together last night, but I didn't want to make him drive into town a second night. And also I really wanted to watch the Oscars.)

So when I got to the pub I did a quick change in the bathroom, teased my hair a bit, and threw on some mascara.  (I knew I'd get there first because he had to find parking, which is always a nightmare downtown on a Saturday night.)  I ordered my usual cranberry and soda and tried not to be too excited.  I didn't want to get my hopes up, but after such great phone conversations, I admit I had a few butterflies.

This one seems promising!

Readers, I'm very excited to tell you about a guy I've been talking to lately.  I'm trying not to get too excited though, because with my luck I'll jinx it!  Cross your fingers for me that this one doesn't turn into a trainwreck. 

Here are some of his details.  His name is Seth, he's 33, he's a librarian, he lives in the suburbs (but not so far as to be a problem), and I think he's pretty good-looking.  He's kind of an interesting mix of brains and brawn.  He used to play football and rugby and looks like an enormous linebacker, and yet to talk to him on the phone he's really articulate and funny and has read a million books.

  "Dude, wasn't Chandler's use of metaphor in The Long Goodbye so perfectly indicative of the novel's theme?"

Seth is not into technology whatsoever, so he wanted nothing to do with instant messaging or texting.  After a few emails he asked if he could call me and I said yes.  Within two minutes of me sending that email, my phone rang.  It was kind of cute how excited he was to call.  We easily talked for hours, which is kind of amazing for a first conversation.

The only thing that goes in the 'negative' column for Seth -- and there are tons of plusses I think -- is that he lives in his mom's basement.  He is REALLY embarrassed about it, but I can see why he would choose to live at home.  For one, his mom is a widow, so maybe he didn't want her to feel lonely.  And for two, he appears to be saving up to do a Masters degree in September.  Based on that, I'm not judging him too harshly as a "Failure to launch" case.

We're supposed to meet on Sunday night for coffee or something.  I wish I'd remembered that the Oscars are on then.  Damn it!  But I don't want to reschedule, because I really can't wait to meet him in person.

There has to be a catch

Over the weekend I exchanged a few late-night emails with a guy who seemed really, really great.  He's tall, tanned, handsome, educated, and his profile is written in actual sentences and not 'lol-speak'.  Oh yeah, and he thinks I'm sexy.  So obviously, there has to be something wrong with him.

Online dating has made me cynical to the point where if a guy seems too good to be true, he absolutely, totally is.  I've been burned by this a bunch of times and in a bunch of different ways.  There were men who loved chatting online or on the phone for hours but could never meet in person -- a sure sign of a guy who's already in a relationship and just looking for some side-fun.  (Also, never trust a guy who won't give you his phone number.  And if he won't tell you his last name, he's a psychopath -- I know of which I speak.)