Whirlwind Romance

This summer got off to quite a start, dating-wise.  I met some very interesting characters, though none that I really cared to meet again.  (The most memorable is probably the Irishman who was completely devoid of a personality or sense of humour -- how is that even possible?  Can't you get kicked out of Ireland for that?)  We're into the end of summer now, as much as I hate the thought, and I think I may have just experienced the closest thing I'm going to get this year to a summer fling.  Let me start from the beginning...

Just over a month ago I made the mistake of meeting an ex for a drink.  He wasn't a significant ex - we only dated briefly in 2010 - so I thought nothing of getting back in touch.  This turned out to be a mistake.  A funny thing happens when you reconnect with someone from your past.  You can fall into an easy intimacy, if you're not careful, just out of an old familiarity.  Well, I guess I wasn't careful.  About a week after that, while I was still trying to sort out my feelings about him -- Do I like him, or did I just like remembering what a relationship feels like?  Could there be potential here? -- Oh the moping I did!  And while I was moping, I met someone.

Naim is not someone I would have emailed first, if I came across his dating profile.  Not because it was bad, but because there was nothing that especially grabbed me.  So when Naim emailed on a Sunday to suggest we meet, I think I only agreed because he seemed nice enough, and because I needed to get outside and stop mulling over my thoughts.  I suggested we meet near my place and take my dog Winston to the park.  (Yes, I was taking a cue from the romantic comedy 'Must Love Dogs'.  It's smart, really -- dog antics are great conversation filler!)

My first impression of Naim was that he was handsome, with a great smile, and an adorable French accent.  We talked in the park for a while, and although I can't say I really connected with him, I liked his optimism.  Also, I found it fascinating to hear the perspective of someone who grew up in a part of the world so different from here.  When we left the park, I didn't expect to hear from him again.  But I did.  Immediately!  A few hours later he wanted to see a movie.  I didn't feel like going out so I invited him over to watch something on Netflix.  Now, a word of dating advice, if I may?  Maybe watch something that makes you want to get closer on the couch.  Don't do what we did and put on Braveheart for God's sake.

There's something in the air

I don't know what it is about springtime, but lately my dating site inboxes have been getting more emails than usual.  I have to say, the winter seems to be the worst time for dating.  Nobody really wants to leave the house.  But now that it's patio season, everyone's in the mood to date again!

Lots to update you on, so I'm going to give you the short version.  (Some of these would have made amazing posts on their own though, so I'm a bit sad at having to leave some things out.  Oh well.)

Bad Break-up Brian:  Back in March I met up with Brian for coffee, but he looked very familiar.  Of course he did.  I dated Brian already, six years ago.  (Have I already dated all the single men, and now I'm back at the top of the list??)  Anyway, he didn't seem to recognize me, so I just pretended it was our first first date and not our second first date.  Back then, we went out a few times, but I realized he was a bit dim so I stopped seeing him.  So this time when he asked me for a second date, I politely said 'no thanks' -- I already knew he wasn't for me.  When most people get a 'no thanks' text message in reply to asking someone out, they leave it at that.  What's there to say, right?  Well if you're Brian, you dig deeper.  If you're Brian, you continue to press the issue until the other person stops trying to politely let you down and just outright tells you to f*ck off.  Poor Brian.

On dating, heartbreak, birthdays, and puppies

It's no secret that I've been avoiding this blog.  Some of you have yelled at me through emails expressing concern that I've given up on dating.  Most of you just yelled at me because you think you're missing out on some funny stories.  One or two of you sent a congratulatory email, assuming that a lack of bad dating stories must mean that I've found the love of my life.  Well, all of you are a little bit right!

In the fall, I wasn't especially into dating.  I was more focused on eating healthy, learning to cook, and losing weight.  I still checked my dating site inboxes, but there really wasn't anyone emailing me that I just HAD to meet, so I took a bit of a dating break.

When December hit, a flip in me must have switched because I signed up for every goddamn speed dating event and singles mixer I could find.  Not kidding, December was a marathon of 7 minute dates, and all of them were disappointing.  Also, there were some repeat dates.  Remember the guy with the limp who I found kind of obnoxious?  Click here for a refresher.  He was at speed dating.  TWICE.  AND the holiday singles mixer.  It was totally awkward.  Another guy seemed really into me until I told him my name.  He visibly deflated, then said quietly, "Oh.  That's not a Jewish name.  You're not Jewish."  Then he kind of slunk away to the bar.  I think that's the first time anyone has mistaken me -- a tall, buxom, freckly blonde -- for one of God's chosen people.

That brings us into January, which was pretty rough for me emotionally.  I was struggling with the idea of being 30.  Or more specifically, single, overweight, and 30.  The media is pretty clear that this is a deadly combination for women.  So when Scott, yet again, appeared out of nowhere -- yes this same Scott! -- and he charmed me and I began to care about him, despite him having pulled a disappearing act before, I was super careful not to fall for him.  But...err..totally did anyway.  Part of it was probably that I wanted it to work so badly that I gave him more chances than I should have.  He has a track record of leading me on, and then disappearing into thin air, leaving me heartbroken.  The douchebag signs were totally there, but I ignored them.  To no one's surprise, he disappeared again, right before my birthday.  To say I took it badly was an understatement.  The timing was terrible!  I was already feeling overly sensitive about the whole 'turning 30' thing, so to be duped by the man AGAIN just left me feeling sorry for myself, and really angry.  Angry at him, but maybe even more angry at myself for being so stupid.

Matchmaking

I'm not one of those people who spends energy on trying to get people together.  You know the stereotype of the woman that delights in setting up singles they know, and then taking all the credit for it's success?  (I'm pretty sure I can think of at least 3 movies wherein that's the entire plot premise.)  But anyway, that's not me.  The only time I set friends up ended in a trainwreck.

The year was 2006 and I was about four chocolate martinis into our faculty pub night.  (It takes at least four drinks to make library students fun, just a heads up.)  For some reason Muffy wasn't there -- rare for a pub night, since I was the elected Social Coordinator and I used to force her out to all my events.  Anyway, I was leading the martini charge when one of the guys from school asked if I knew any single girls.  I yelled, "Muffy!"  Looking back, I don't understand how this guy needed my help at all... Library school is about 85% women, and of those, 40% are straight.  (Don't quote me on that.  My love for gays and lesbians might be skewing my memory somewhat.)  Hang on, I've forgotten the point of this story...

My date with Ricky Martin

I finally -- FINALLY -- went on a date.  It seems like it's been forever!  Since August I've been concentrating more on learning to eat healthy and less on meeting someone online.  So far so good though!  I've lost about 10 pounds.  (It's a good start, but it feels like a drop in the bucket sometimes.)

Anyway, a few years ago I signed up for a local matchmaking service.  I enrolled for a year but I was really not impressed with them, and decided not to renew in the end.  Despite not being a member anymore, every once in a while I get a call about a new match.  That's how I ended up exchanging numbers with Ghani.

I really didn't know much about Ghani apart from what the matchmaker said of him.  This is because when we tried to talk on the phone, there was a major communication gap.  (His Venezuelan accent was too thick, and his cell reception less than ideal.)  We had better luck with text messages though, and arranged to meet for a drink on Saturday.

50 more shades of... this guy

He's back!  This guy just keeps writing -- completely unsolicited.  Prepare to be grossed out and uncomfortable.

How many more volumes do you think this guy will write??

I feel dirty...

Sometimes you get an email that leaves you speechless -- and not in a good way.  You're going to need a shower after this one...

Happy Wednesday readers!  (Please pass the hand sanitizer.)

Cyberbullying

This story starts in July.  When I was on vacation in Florida, I chatted a bit with a guy named John who seemed like any other guy.  He was your typical accountant-type, with slightly above average looks and a decent taste in movies.  Nothing was really alarming about him, until after a while he started trying to turn the conversation to my sexual history.  He wanted to know all about when and how and would persist even though I'd dodge his attempts at answering.  Eventually I just had to tell him that it's none of his business, and I'm not comfortable discussing it.

Then something in him became completely unhinged, because the response I got was an all-caps rant about how I was a f*ing c*nt and a tease and on and on and on for a page and a half.  I was in such shock I didn't know how what to do.  I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd shocked or upset me, so I wrote back, "You sound lovely.  Coffee next week?"  I guess he didn't like my sarcasm, because then he blocked me.  I thought that was the end of him.

Blendr - Just too many penises

Hola readers!  Sorry I haven't written in a while -- I've been busy with moving.  I now have a larger apartment for less rent.  Yay for me!  But the packing, unpacking, and redecorating was grueling.  Though I did have a team of amazing helpers!  (Thanks guys!)

Meanwhile on the romance front, my dating life has become nonexistent.  It's gotten so bad that I think my online profiles are growing cobwebs.  So in an attempt to liven things up, my GBF (gay best friend) recommended I try out an iPhone app called Blendr.  He's a fan of Grindr, the gay version of the same app.  Apparently it's whole purpose is to help you meet people in your general geographic area.

I'm not sure what the app developers intended with the app, but I'm told that the men on Grindr primarily use it to locate guys in their immediate vicinity for the purposes of hooking up.  It's totally just about finding people for sex with no strings attached.  Since this isn't what I'm after, I was pretty hesitant about downloading the hetero version.  (Sex with strangers?  No thanks.  I'd be too nervous and self-conscious and awkward to even enjoy it.)  But GBF said you can also just use it as a dating app, to meet local singles.  Sold!  I downloaded it.

It really didn't seem at all scandalous.  I filled in a very basic profile, and noticed there was a drop-down menu for what you're looking for -- I selected 'Dating'.  Next thing you know, I'm looking at tiny pictures of everyone nearby who also has the app.  Electronic people-watching!  It was fun for a while, and I chatted a bit with a neighbour about our favourite gelato flavours.  Nothing sexual (or even all that interesting) about it. Then I went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and noticed 7 alerts on my phone from Blendr.  Seven guys want to chat!  I got all excited, thinking I was pretty popular.  I clicked the first message and there was a small picture of something I couldn't quite make out... maybe sand dunes or some sort of desert scene?  I enlarged it.  PENIS.  Not even a hello first.  Then I went to my next message.  This time I got a hello, and another picture.  It was something blurry and back-lit, so I had to make it bigger to see.  Again -- PENIS.  At this point I started to think Blendr isn't really a dating app at all.  The rest of the messages?  Two were just to say hi, but the others?  PENIS.  PENIS.  PENIS.

In case you lost count, that's 5 penises I had to wake up to.  All before I'd even had my morning coffee.

So if hooking up with horny 20-somethings is what you're after, Blendr (or Grindr) is brilliant.  Nearly everyone was exceptionally good-looking and fit.  (Or maybe that's more a reflection of where I live.)  But don't be deceived by the 'Dating' or 'Relationship' status thing.  Nobody there is interested in just meeting you for gelato.

Coworkers on Parade

Last night was another fun event with my coworkers!  This time, thankfully, it started at a reasonable hour.  (Click here to read about the last time I went out with these folks.)  It was the boss' birthday, and everyone was geared up to make a night of it.


We started out at The Pilot in Yorkville around 5:30pm.  Drinks and appetizers were served -- I stuck to drinking diet coke for a while because I really can't handle my liquor, and I wanted everyone else to get a good head start.  The Pilot has a rooftop patio, which would have been amazing on a less sticky and humid day.  (As usual, I left the house with fantastic hair and makeup only to arrive at my destination completely soaked.  What's that expression?  'Girls don't perspire, they glow'?  Oh I was glowing alright.)


The funny thing about my coworkers is that after you get a few drinks in them, all propriety goes out the window.  (Interestingly, it's usually the HR gal that riles it all up.)  For some reason they were completely fixated on my breasts last night, and the resulting pictures are truly horrendous.  (There's an especially dirty one of me holding a beer with my cleavage while Deb pretends to mouth the bottle.  Oh Lawdy, I hope that one doesn't end up on Facebook.)


Anyway, I did eventually start drinking.  I ordered a glass of wine, trying to be classy, but that didn't last long.  A bunch of us had a drink called a grenade -- a shot of tequila, quickly chased with a shot of Jägermeister dropped into a glass of Red Bull.  It was truly disgusting.  I followed it with 3 glasses of water. Then I discovered Long Island iced tea, which went down MUCH too easily.