Oh, readers. I know you're all waiting to hear how my date with Seth went, because there was so much excitement going into it. The problem is, now that I've met him, I just don't think I'm excited about him anymore.
Is it possible for people to have great chemistry over the phone, only to have it fizzle in person? Our phone conversations were amazing -- I learned that Seth is sweet, intelligent, and really funny. On Saturday night it ended up that Seth was downtown for a party, and so was I, so we agreed to leave our parties around 11pm and meet up for a drink. (We were going to get together last night, but I didn't want to make him drive into town a second night. And also I really wanted to watch the Oscars.)
So when I got to the pub I did a quick change in the bathroom, teased my hair a bit, and threw on some mascara. (I knew I'd get there first because he had to find parking, which is always a nightmare downtown on a Saturday night.) I ordered my usual cranberry and soda and tried not to be too excited. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but after such great phone conversations, I admit I had a few butterflies.
Soon enough, there he was... and not at all how I'd pictured him. From his profile picture I knew what his face looked like, but the rest of him was a bit of a mystery. And now here's where I loathe myself for turning into a superficial b*tch: All of his amazing qualities on the inside were not helping me to find him physically attractive on the outside.
I feel awful just having typed that. I mean, it's not like I'm some 10/10 in the looks department who can afford to be really picky. Even worse, one of the things that put me off him is exactly what might put someone else off me -- his giant tummy. (His is likely a beer belly, whereas my tummy is junk food.) So you see, I'm also a hypocrite.
All of this has resulted in me feeling guilty for being so vain, and wondering if I need a reality check when it comes to who I expect to attract (and who would find me attractive). I've heard that sometimes someone can become more attractive in your eyes as you get to know them. For this reason, I'm going to go out with Seth again, if he asks me.
...Not that I'm sure he will. Our conversation wasn't quite so 'sparkly' in person. It wasn't a bad date, or a particularly great one. (So I tagged this post as both.)
Would you date a male version of yourself? If yes, continue looking and you'll find somebody who will be good for you and vice versa, soon enough. If no, you'll have to ask yourself why not? What do you find acceptable in yourself that you don't find acceptable in others? Moreover, how can your male counterpart make up for any possible weaknesses that they bring?
ReplyDeleteI'm more and more beginning to think that relationships can only thrive when you want to give more than you expect to get... and when your significant other has the same attitude. You were saying you want someone tall, strong build but not quite with a stomach like Seth's, a match for your (impressive) conversation skills and intellect, funny as blah, not a jackass, not an underachiever, what else? It seems like a pretty reasonable set of requirements, but where's the room for error?
But more importantly, where's your room for error? If you do catch your dream guy, how are going to avoid being a net taker? In all stable relationships that I've seen, both sides of the equation consider themselves the better half (even though they say otherwise... and they can say so because secretly they know it's not true), they consider themselves the generous giver and the other person should be happy to have them. Couples get together because they feel that the other person doesn't show a need to find a partner but treats them well out of sheer generosity. If both halves are free to give without taking, both sides win and you get a great couple.
I want to build relationships with other people based on their reaction to what effort and what parts of my personality I offer to them. I hate net takers. Homeless people begging for money do nothing for the money they get. People who join choirs and want to sing without being able to read notes *and* without practicing too, they drag down the group and never make up for it. People who always come to your place but never invite you over to theirs. Or the other way round. Those are the people who don't deserve your effort.
"Dating up" is dangerous, because it means that you don't have the comfort of giving more than you take. It means that you will live in fear that somebody with more to offer comes around and you can't do anything to keep your guy. It means that you will always be the beggar. That's a terrible situation to be in. That's why everybody says you have to love yourself before you start loving others. If you wouldn't date the male equivalent of you, you might as well stop dating because the only two options are (a) you'll be unsatisfied, or (b) you'll feel inferior through "dating up".
Don't think about who you expect to attract. Think about what you can give of yourself that might appeal to men. Then find out of what kind of men will be receptive to that and won't ask for more because they're perfectly happy that way. Then decide if having any of these men is worth the effort that you pour into him. If you feel awful not because you disliked the guy, but because you yourself wouldn't live up to your own expectations, it might be time to think about how you can get to a level where you'd be perfectly happy to "date yourself".
As mean as it sounds, you're not in a position to select. (Neither am I, by the way.) You're in a position to make damn sure that people you like or might like a lot are happy by your own doing, and then see who takes the bait. And actually that's a far better approach to take anyways.
I disagree with Anonymous in that people should date a version of themselves. Often opposites attract -- skinny men like full figured women and petite women want to be with a big guy. Attraction is magic in that it is a mixture of personality and appearance. If Kiki were attracted to Seth she would not mind his belly -- rather than his belly making him unappealing to her.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't saying that people should actually date a version of yourself. Hence the comments on making up for some weaknesses with other strengths. What I was saying is that the sum of strengths and weaknesses will be roughly similar for both partners, and if you don't feel that you're desirable yourself, you'll likely only find a partner that you feel is not desirable either, or you'll have an unbalanced relationship. It's more about making peace with yourself than actually looking for an exact copy. Maybe the wording was suboptimal. That happens to me sometimes.
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